Why I can't be a Pirate

This was my first thought when I woke up this morning.  Why, you may ask?  I don't know.  I don't know what modern-day piracy has to do anything.  I was in the semi-coma state just before wakefulness and had one of those "WOW" moments that made me think, "I really need to blog about that," when I woke up and completely forgot why I will never resort to piracy.  Since I have no clue on where I was going with this though, I guess I will list reasons why I could never be a pirate.  I mean, my blog is about craziness.  I might as well keep it real.

• I like fruit.  I don't think an abundance of fruit is available on pirate ships.  Maybe the modern ones but I've read enough historical books to know that scurvy and I would not get along well.
• I can't wield a sword.  I can't even use a knife without cutting myself.  I'd be the pirate in the corner, huddled behind the barrel of rum and praying that no one saw me.
• I don't like rum.  Really.  It's nasty stuff.  If pirates were vodka drinkers, I might have been more prone to sign up.  Now I'm on the wagon and that too makes it hard to be a pirate.   
• I don't think I'd enjoy the hammock sleeping.  I need a little more lumbar support than a few ropes hanging from the raftors.  Even a nice featherbed on the floor would be more enticing but I can't guarantee that would even win me over. 
• I'm not into sharing a bathroom with dirty men.  I have to clean pee off the floor after my three year-old.  That's bad enough. 
• I can't swim.  Enough said.

These, these are the random thoughts that enter my head on a daily basis.  Why would I think this at 8 in the morning?  At the time, it made total sense and I HAD to share it with the world.  Now I can only wonder what the heck I was thinking about when the words " I can never be a pirate" jumped into my head.  I guess the world will never know.